Go On, Now It's Your Turn

yesterday’s misery sits at the bottom

of a stomach which still hasn’t eaten since last night

holding onto anger’s rock, it needs grinding

broken down, like the family tearing love into pieces

constantly a guilt of simply existing, jumping a day’s hurdle

the next one just gets taller

the people in front of you, they run faster

strap on your best shoes, a simple tie, a suite made for a king

compete for a spot on this earth

being alive just doesn’t cut it anymore

winning the lottery to be rich?

no, it’s for being comfortable, luxurious peace of mind

separation from the ordinary, things are solved

a mindset we’ve wrapped in this smoke, watch it float away

possessions possessing us

fighting in a war, undrafted, with not a gun

with sweat and labor, shuffling among our fellow man

making ends meet? -wrong, meeting our end

life the target, aligned down our site one finger on the trigger

bruises always heal, blood returns to where it came from

or? are there curves in the road, waiting within ticking clocks

things start fading, a setting sun

they don’t come back the same way they went down

shuffle the cards one more time, maybe you’ll get a better hand

just like a candle’s flame wishes there was more wax

you see the end, but how bad do you want it to get here

open life’s handbook

scroll through the table of contents

walking, talking, you lose a tooth, a first kiss, driving, obeying laws, graduation, marriage, kids - they look like you, expenses are paid

how odd, death doesn’t have a page number

if only there was a hand to hold

you wouldn’t be so tempted to give the world the finger

here’s a bullet, heavy with “at least you tried”

don’t let it all hit your mind, it might leave a scar

Waving Goodbye

it’s my sanity

i watch it go

making no effort to wave goodbye

standing in a small white plastic box

close as possible to the motion sensor

just so the room temperature water

has a chance to spurt out

of a shower head installed for little children

staggered streams hitting the center

of my spine that starts to shiver then

gives out under the current reality

still my sanity leaves

without even pushing aside a curtain

to walk away, no strings attached

for they wouldn’t want to find you

hanging there

with plastic around your neck

to remove your own life

just like the fifteen other people

wanting to

admitted to this world of help

all in their beds covered in thin

shattered sheets

reflecting upon past attempts

they all have motion sensors

in their little white boxes too

now

if only the water would stay on

long enough to form a puddle

maybe being found face down

would be better

or maybe i should just try

reeling back the tiny pieces of sanity

collecting them together

opening up a numb mind

so i can shove them inside again

they could be useful down the road

i would have wanted to wave goodbye anyway

He carves

have you ever seen His work?

the way His delicate hands

start carving into the thickest wood

the outer layers resisting

giving Him no reason to continue on

He does, as if there is something so great

He can’t leave it behind, forget it

and continue his next piece

softer wood, more extravagant,

some can be used to hold up the

the highest coliseums, the largest monuments

those are the ones worth continuing

worth the work put into them

He still creates these colossal structures

puts them to greatest use, to support many

but He doesn’t leave behind the thickest of woods

the ones always fighting back

as if His hands were the enemy

as if there seemed to be no possible way

of turning these pieces into something useful

you think He gives up?

lingering over, just waiting for the opportunity

to take His sharpest tools, ones that He counts on

to penetrate that thick outer skin

finally working, finally sculpting

as if it were is very own child, He puts

every last sliver of strength into this creation

even if it may not support the highest coliseums

the largest monuments

it will still be used, so the world can see

how His hands create beauty

On A Good Day

A little bit lost and

A little bit lonely

A little bit cold here

A little bit of fear

But I

Hold on and I

Feel strong and I

Know that I can

Getting used to it

Lit the fuse to it

Like to know who I am

Been talkin to myself forever

And how I wish I knew me better

Still sitting on a shelf

But never, never seen the sun shine brighter

And it feels like me on a good day

Im a little bit hemmed in

A little bit isolated

A little bit hopeful

A little bit calm

But I hold on and I

Feel strong and I

Know that I can

Getting used to it

Lit the fuse to it

Like to know who I am

Been talkin to myself forever

And how I wish I knew me better

Still sitting on a shelf

But never, never seen the sun shine brighter

And it feels like me on a good day

-Above and Beyond

uncover what's inside

the most fortunate person in the world

to breathe in a breath of air

air that is full, smiling all the way down

into a body that is creating

yes flawed

but one of a kind, healthy and alive

enough to think, enjoy, laugh, love

to do what we are here to do

exist among many and many

wading with, through, and around others

meeting, introducing, fallowing, leading

sometimes shoving, hitting, fighting

killing

all echoing ones who walked before us

trodding, heavy footed, on a ground

that has listened, cared for, and put up with

every mistake, discovery, realization in time

simply being and belonging

to a vast, ever-changing culture

getting up off the bottom, holding hands high

right below a heaven

knowing we all finish the same race

with teeth showing or tears streaming

your hand in mine

Money Ruins Everything

Whoever invented money, pure genius yea, but pure- fuck everything else a life is worth living for up- also. Money creates stress, but it is needed to survive in this current world. If there was ever some way to find a life that isn't surrounded by money, then I want that. I would give up every worldly possession I own for just a few things in life. Unconditional love to a wife that gives it right back, friends that have your back til the day you die, and maybe a life lived so others are happy, at peace, content and loved. Money has blessed my life with material things that, don't get me wrong, are completely awesome. It has also destroyed my life. Parents forgetting about love, fighting over possessions, fighting over who owes what to whom. FUCK THAT SHIT! I wanna live at peace and want everyone else to live without the burden of money. Just have a few close friends, have a wife that knows I will never leave her for things that won't matter in the end. Money is important yea, but I hate when it consumes our lives, which in this culture, happens every day.

When Summer Starts

It's always been a time of awesome relaxation, a time to stretch out and live free of worries for three months. But this time, its not a summer feeling that I get, not the feeling of joy to be done with school.

There has been this amazing thing going on in my life this past month. It's hard to explain. A group of people that didn't know each other to the slightest degree find each other, and in some way mesh together to form a bond that, in all reality, I hope lasts a life time. The friendships we make, the people we are around all the time make for a beautiful life. They are what helps you wake up in the morning knowing that there are people out there that you know are great friends that want exactly what you want. Someone else to do life with.

Getting to know such amazing people has truly been a blessing and I couldn't ask for a better life. Old friends too are still so much apart of me, but when you combine all the people you are close to, get them in one place to have a good time, you simply don't need anything else. This summer is different from all others before because all these people will be away, off to another state, another country, another home away from home. It will be months where you wake up and know you can't just go hang out, or do fun shit with everyone you've grown to love. I am kind of hoping it goes by fast, not because I want to get back into the hard ass grind of going to school, but because I want to live with that feeling, knowing that your friends can experience everything you are in this crazy world. All be there together, livin up the best years of our lives.

Not that this all makes sense, its just written

ME?

Wait, a movement, check

Into the unknown docks, of your mind

Peaking through is a shot of solid rock with

Crumbling edges that fall between

Hands, little fingers which only hold, strength keeps up

A piece of your own body, breathing

Games watched over by a power, our own heart

Pumps in continuous shakes, each shake

Another second gone, into a sinking

Lapse, in time? What time? This time

We see true potential, your own child

Thriving from unexpected, shattering marriage

Grow, up in here, there is no oxygen

Hold in each chance, it wants to escape

Exploding by, with you, standing, in

Front we can all witness, now

Every still fragment, walking in line

Each showing a life run out, lived by what

We have given in, into the world who made

Us, us without another consideration to whom

This all could belong to, even if it is suppose

To belong, for in so much vast, there is me

Who does? Who is? Who lives?

What 2 Weeks Can Bring

For the past couple of weeks I have rarely been extremely upset or irritated. Sure the occasional mishap and sucky luck but life has shot off like I didn't think was possible. A smile rarely leaves my face even through the stuff that isn't so pleasant. This new house gives me such a good vibe and I can see myself becoming extremely close with the people who will live in it and the friends that come to visit. I am by far one of the luckiest kids in the world and am truly blessed. This life we live isn't long so I'm grateful for the utter happiness that has consumed me for these short weeks. I can only wish other people in the world get to experience such joy at any point in their life.

Living to be Alive

I am currently in no mood to move, in no mood to do what is asked of me. My body is sick, but my mind is probably much more sick. To begin looking at a human life as a whole is scary. You are born into a world you have absolutely no control over, only to grow old in a world you have no control over. What if at some point in this life we do see what we are suppose to see. The earth sustaining a species unlike any other. We possess a brain so amazing, so complex and beautiful, but so fragile. As of now I am sitting in a room I call my own, huddled inside a jacket I call my own, but am inside a body that is hard to call my own because what is my body to me? A living organism that breathes, thinks, does, and ultimately lives. So why not make this life something worth doing. Brought up in a society that values money, fame, and popularity more than anything else, it makes you think where do I sit between all of this. Do I go to school, just to learn stuff to get me a good job so later in life I can go to work everyday and call my life amazing. This view can only be improved, like my daily living and daily discovering. Maybe I am going to school to expand my knowledge about who I am and how I can impact this world with the knowledge that is taught to me. I possess a brain that can learn and unlimited amount of things. Only I can choose these things to learn about.

There have been days when I rise from a sleep that I thought was peaceful, only to be brought back into a life that I don't want to live. Late last year I was prescribed medicine to "fix" the problems I had about self worth and pondering whether I should remain on this earth. Maybe they worked. Maybe they didn't. I chose to stop takin these little pieces of white magic so I could find out what really is inside myself. They coated over the problem and could have fixed it in the end, but now I look back and see I shouldn't be choosing whether to live or die, I should be choosing how to live in order to feel completely alive. Wealth and fame is the goal for all American children right? When you are little you have dreams of becoming something amazing that the world looks at in wonder. Now I am still and uneducated, young adult that looks at the world and asks what kind of life should I live. I know that the more I learn the better off I will be, but what I learn about doesn't have to be about things that will get me an amazing life in the future. I want to know whats inside of myself, how far am I willing to go to discover a life I am content with whether it be with me living in a mansion, or some hut in Africa. Every day every one of us gets up and looks in the mirror just to glance at something we think we see. What if every day you woke up and saw something for what it truly was. My only hope is that I can grow, and keep growing knowing that a vast world awaits.

I know you're safe, wherever you are

Moments don't last forever. Leaving this earth is too far away to think about right? I guess some sort of life would be one you enjoyed, learned from, experienced, and lived at your best not knowing what the future holds. So, if a moment gives you a good picture of your life, stop and take a look for awhile. This is it, our lives continue no matter what. Reaching for the top is a way to live, but experiencing each moment for what its worth is all we can do til we get there.

For I

Forget me for I

Am gone. From this place

Ment to disappear for I

Hate. What has become

Leave me behind for I

Will. Be in no place here

Shoulders burdened for I

Just want. Time to fall

Sinking into dark for I

Waste. Life that I have

Overcome by them for I

Can't give up the drugs

ESCAPE

An escape from everyday life is all we are looking for. Maybe a chance to block our the reality we live in and find somewhere else to go. A distant country in Africa like my friend bryan is headed to would be a great place to escape to. Traveling the world is one option. When I put in my headphones and listen to music that alone is an escape. I can zone out, leave this place to wherever I want to go. Maybe I'll visit depression. Hopefully I'll visit happiness. More and more I am enjoying escaping from this place to journey to wherever I please. Anotherl adventure would be to induce some sort of altered reality. This is a true escape but a risky one. Once gone you have a while til you come back depending on what sort of intoxication you prefer. An addiction can settle in fast and hard. The final adventure away from here would be death itself. This is never the goal as of now. Ill wait til I'm 80 or so to do some hardcore stuff. Get drunk and run a nice car off a cliff; wouldn't that just be a blast. Eh, maybe? There are other ways of dying when you are of age that aren't so cliche. When the time comes maybe 80 won't feel so old.

Too bad the reality on earth isn't awesome so an escape wouldn't be necessary. But then again maybe this reality is exactly where I'm suppose to be and this is my escape from another more evil and darker place full of suffering to the enth degree.

RED

Red

The color of choice anytime

Apples of best taste red can only be this

Juicy and wet with each bite

A classic sports car faster than most

Lights flash red behind now speaking to an officer

Bulls charging no matter how angry

They fight against the flowing red beauty

Blended into flickering flames

Fire rises and falls in red prayer

The common Devil sitting in his thrown

Hell’s primary vision among the red evil below

A cherry pie cooling by the window

Delicious in texture on your red tongue

Versatile this color is

For love and faith we give it to others

Cards and candy mixed red for one day

Don’t ignore this on the streets

Refusing to obey red a fatal accident awaits

Oozing blood from a cut of open skin

Too deep and a doctor must stitch red

After mary is put into air

Bloodshot red eyes glance in suspicion

But above all

The strongest passion of any color

Holding its head high to rule over many

Greatest in strength is

Red

Some Sort of Insanity Settles In

I guess it has been the same old stuff:

Struggling in school

Wishing riches came on a whim

Smoking weed to remind myself I don't give a shit

Staring at a life faced with more hardships than necessary (brought on by my dumb ass self)

Feeling guilt in letting my Dad down

Thinking getting paid as a pro gamer would be cool and possibly do-able

Knowing God is disappointed but still askin for help every night

Getting pissed at seeing happy couples in public just cus relationships in my life suck

Wanting the gym to be the only place I live in

Done with taking a medicine that supposedly makes me happy

More and more feeling the urge to explore the world and never stop

All this and I still struggle with the meaning of it all

Something's Gone Terribly Wrong

Too succeed is a term known to everyone.

Too fail

Now thats a whole different idea

I wish I could see into the future

I'd know then if I fail

Or succeed

INNEVITABLE

The chest rises and falls

A quake disturbing the peace

Light soaks into the cold skin

Cigarette smoke fades strong teeth

Smiles trade glances with pride

Our model too look up to

All eyes wonder and are lost in thought

Uncertain if there is pure truth

Thin blankets shade the weak soul

We all hide behind laughter

One last moment to live together

That kiss leaves your lips for the last time

Clenched hands loosen their grip

They die with you at their side still loving

CREATIVE WRITING

Today i was introduced to my creative writing class. The professor is smokin hot and her name is Amy. I think im going to enjoy this class and will probably pay close attention to detail mainly because i already enjoy the professor. It will be a tough class riddled with different ways of ultimately receiving a grade. That of course, is not the reason im attending, I think I would much rather gain the knowledge and skills that the class holds within. Only then will i receive an awesome grade and an awesome experience. Aight but fer real now, I am having a tough time writing fiction and I've come to realize after today that i enjoy writing poems much more than fiction, as odd as that sounds. Yeah it may make me look like a flaming homo but whatever, all who know me know that i love pussy. With that said i think writing poems is what i will enjoy most in this class. Tomorrow's adventures include three more new classes which also means three chances to meet new people, and three chances to decide whether i will hate my life this semester, or it will be much more enjoyable than last.

INDEPENDENCE

The feeling of utter joy and happiness by merely being by yourself and completely by yourself is a rare thing, humans are naturally social and dependent people right? So turns out right about now im feelin absolutely amazing being alone. No one is here and im kickin it n my apartment alone. It's a great feeling of independence and peace. There is no girl in my life and im basically on my own other than my family supporting me and backing me up in life overall. I have never felt such a feeling of joy from independence. There has been this feeling of self security and self knowing that i have been poking at for awhile now. Never been real confident in myself, whether it be appearance, socially, whatever you think of when confidence comes to mind. Self discovery is rare for me and this is really coming into view lately. Being by myself has truly made me discover how to by self reliant for happiness. Im not saying im a pro at it and im not saying im an absolute rainbow bursting with happiness every second of the day, but i am saying that i am very happy with life right now and can't see the need for blue days. Smiling and feeling good inside is what its all about. I don't know what im doing with this life of mine or where it is headed, but that doesn't get down on how i can feel. I don't know jack squat about the world and thats alright, i have a whole wonderful lifetime to figure it out. Look up at the sky and see how broad the sky truly is. It is massive! That is how i feel about life, it is massive with so much variance and possibility. Finding myself is a great experience and hope all who do this for themselves are making a great life for themselves. It is awesome to be in this position and have this feeling of utter freedom. Im a lucky kid and am greatful